her mouthpeace

Good news

2006-12-02T11:01:00.000-08:00

November flew by in a whirlwind of evaluations and reports. Apparently, I've done 18 or so evaluations since arriving at my new job. I have a couple of really big, involved ones right now that are kinda weighing me down, but mostly I'm getting much faster, even cranking out some of the simpler ones in just a couple of hours. The job is not as mentally challenging as I thought it would be in terms of knowing what to do. I think what I'm learning in this job is more about how to do. For the first time, there's a person with 30 years of professional experience, 8 or so years of which she was running her own practice, who is both able and willing to impart her methods of doing the things that I find most difficult: knowing how and what to say to parents in difficult situations, knowing when and how to abandon an attempt to evaluate, all the sticky stuff. I have no idea how to express any of that for a resume later in life, but it means a great deal to me.

Even that is not the "good news" though. The news is that yesterday, the sale of my house in Belton closed! After two previous false-alarms, when a contract got written, negotiated, and then fell through because of the buyers' issues, this one finally worked. It sounds like the buyers are a little family, so hopefully they can make really good friends with my sweet neighbors, Rudy and Amy, next door. Or maybe they are already friends, and that's how they found out about the house. Anyway, I'm happy a little family will be there, and I hope they'll be very happy. I'm also enormously relieved that I don't owe a house payment anymore. It makes me wonder if I'll ever own a house again. Right now it's a financial burden I can't afford, and didn't have need of a house in Belton, certainly, but it's also the biggest asset I've ever had, so I wonder if that will ever occur again.
Seems unlikely at this point, but then I'd never have guessed most of what has happened, so I won't try to guess what will happen next. I wish you were here to celebrate with me tonight--I'm going to dinner with someone from work, and then we're going to Target! Weehee!

the long story

2006-10-28T19:50:00.001-07:00

This has been perhaps the wildest, most tiring three weeks I can remember. Happily, I have not come through it alone. My dear friend, Kahlyne, hung in there with me for several long long days of packing and hefting. Then, my sweet cousin, Leslee, jumped in to the mess to lend some strong arms and laughs as usual. My actual departure was delayed, but finally did come off with everything in the car I was hoping to take. At the very last minute, my realtor called to say that a family would arrive in 10 minutes to see the house, and I was to let them in. I talked to them a little, they looked, and we all drove away from my house at the same time. I left behind me quite a mess, secure in the knowledge that my amazing friend, Holly, was sending in someone to clean the whole house. What a load off my mind, and what a job cut out for her!

Then the drive began. I first made only a short jaunt to Dallas and spent the night with my Aunt Linda and Uncle Tom. I took care of some errands like having the car checked, and I found a fantastic deal on luggage to replace the luggage I've been beating up for the past 11 years, since Gramma and Grampa gave it to me for high school graduation. Finally, there was nothing to do but face the very long trek toward Connecticut. We drove for two-and-a-half days, and had two nights on the road with the help of sweet Beth, making reservations for me at motels and providing directions along the way.

I drove into Manhattan for the first time of my life, scared to death. One night's rest and then drove into Connecticut, to meet the Adamses. Wayne and Louella are so sweet! They sat down and went over my Mapquest directions to work for the next morning, and kept me from following them, recommending "another way". The first lesson of Connecticut driving is the there is always "another way", usually "a back way". However, the second lesson is that signs are optional, and driving in Manhattan is a breeze compared to navigating New Canaan, Norwalk, and Greenwich, so I spent the first two days getting lost "another way" each time I tried to go to work or home from work. By the third day, I was really feeling afraid that I would never get it, but found myself NOT lost on the way to work, and not lost on the way home! VICTORY! Ever since the third day, things have really improved. I don't get lost anymore, and my brain now is able to take in Louella's many directions for "back ways". She's got more personality than one woman should have, and Wayne is the straight-man to her antics.

The Friday after I arrived, Louella invited the neighbors over for drinks and hor d'oerves, which I apparently cannot spell. The neighbors were all very nice and several of them offered that if I need anything this winter (which incidentally means until June, when W & L come back) I should call.

Amidst all this action, the people I let into the house as I was trying to leave did make an offer on the house. There's been some problem, and we're not under contract anymore, but as I understand it, they still want it. We'll see. No real progress yet.

Otherwise, there's work, which is going really well. Josephine is really taking me under her wing, and we've had some talks in these weeks already that are very important to my understanding the office. I think she's really happy about our rapport so far, and I definitely am. I turned in my first report this week, and her feedback was so positive, I did the dance of joy. The downside to all the greatness at work is really long days: I have to leave in the 8:00 hour and I usually get home about 7:00 p.m. Wayne and Louella and their golden retriever have been at home to keep Riley busy.

Today, they left. Today begins my real life here in the house. I have anxiety about Riley's long days at home, but I'm hoping he'll just sleep the whole day away. I spent most of today making my Aunt Kristy's vegetable soup and some pumpkin bread that didn't turn out quite right. At any rate, life is calming down, I've finally written a decent update for my loved ones all over, and I hope you're all well. Much love to you.

A land with seasons

2006-10-22T20:29:00.000-07:00

This is not the post it should be. This is the short, detail-less statement to assuage those of you who've been wondering if Riley and I made it to our new home. We did. We're installed in a wonderful home of about 5,000 square feet in the most picturesque fall scene imaginable. I have got to get hold of a digital camera so I can capture some of it for you. Work has started out well, everyone is very friendly, and I don't get lost going to and from work anymore, so I no longer doubt my capacity to take in information and problem solve.

Stay tuned in the next week---I'll write a decent post soon.

Ah, the down time

2006-06-16T12:18:00.000-07:00

Friday is perhaps my favorite day now, because I don't need to drive to Killeen to work. Monday-Thursday I make the trip, but on Friday I am entirely at my leisure. I have reports to be working on, but I have the wide open day to do as I please. So today, I went to have a haircut, which I think is going to lead to more changes (I'll try to post a picture if I can either figure out how, or talk to some of you more blog-savvy friends, or your husbands in Mrs. Baker's case). On the way toward Chick-Fil-A for a kid's pack, I saw a sign for an estate sale, and decided to stop.

I have recently found that I think garage sales and estate sales are really fun. It thrills me to find something I'd like to have, and to get it for a song. On a larger scale, there's a place in Temple called S&D Wholesale where unclaimed freight is sold, and that's like a standing garage sale, except things there are new, so it's really more like a treasure hunt. It's where I found my wonderful desk for my home office that Mom and I refinished and now I love it!

But the strangest sense came over me today at the estate sale. I had the weird realization that we all keep the same things, and ultimately, we don't need them and others are going to have to get rid of them. The owner of this house had kept lots of ring boxes, old song books, their old thinned out towels, his and hers pairs of socks, sheets that looked ancient and none too appealing, tiny china painted cups that piled high on the kitchen table.

Why do we keep things? I keep little boxes and strange books I didn't even enjoy. If I passed away suddenly, I sincerely hope someone would throw away all of the fabric items in the dresser by my bed--they should not be viewed, looked over, handled or purchased by the public!!

I wondered about the family who presumably had lost someone or more than one someone. How did they feel having strangers touch their loved one's things? Were they in such a pinch for money or needing to be free from the house that they had no choice? Or in the end, once that person is gone, is it just stuff? Not having lost anyone in my family who has been close to me, not to death anyway, I've never been down that road to know how it feels. But it scares me, and I know that it could really be anytime.

So I went away from my nosing around someone's home a little pensive, not quite down, but strangely thoughtful about the things we have, things we love, things we don't want to part with, and yet finally do. How odd.

It's May?!

2006-05-22T22:40:00.000-07:00

This blogging stuff requires some time that apparently I'm not great at carving out. Kudos to those of you who do better. I sure enjoy reading your posts, even with the wave of self-criticism immediately after that reminds me that it's crummy of me to learn about my friends and share nothing.

So here goes a bit. I am working four days a week, doing therapy. I'd like to say I'm working hard, but really I'm not. I have given up the landscaping company gig (too much juggling, not a good idea to try to balance both). I now have a very cushy schedule at work, perhaps even too cushy. I'm thinking about doing some more evals and cranking up the workload. No worries, there's lots of room in my schedule if I can step away from the blasted t.v. remote. That thing is such a temptation for me! I can lose entire days sitting there, and then look around at the things I should have done and think, "they are still there to do--dang it!" as if watching that last episode of "Flip This House" would magically clean up mine.

Mentally, I'm in a phase of general frustration. In several areas of life outside my home, there's at least one problem situation that's bothering me like a rock in my shoe. Any one of the issues isn't much of a big deal, or at least it's not a few days after I sit with it and calm down from the initial uproar. But putting them all together, I feel like an angry woman all over. I feel like I should be listening to Alanis Morisette, but that's so far from how I usually think of myself that I'm not sure I even spelled the poor woman's name correctly. I don't like feeling like a fistfight would really make me feel better. And I sure don't like the idea of anyone knowing how stupid and ugly the angry thoughts in my head are. I've realized in the past few days that "angry" is a way I'm not supposed to feel, according to my socialization--be it southern, female, Higbee decendant, etc.--SOMEWHERE, or from a combination of somewheres, I clearly got the message that hacked off is bad.

Am I the only one? What do you do about it?

Best of both worlds

2006-02-21T12:08:00.000-08:00

Trusted Advisors, I have heard you, and I agree! The opportunity at KidZ TherapEZE is too good to pass up.

So last Friday, I told Chris and Quinton that as they had predicted in the beginning, I was going to need to grab this chance to work less, earn more, and take better care of myself for my family. They were, as always, supportive of my doing whatever is best for me and me & Steve. There was sincerity, there was sass. They expressed appreciation for what I've done to organize them and help manage their business. They were most grateful that I was giving them a month's notice to find a replacement, and then offering to use some of my newly free-time to help train that person. I talked to them about how much I love them and their business and the loss it is to me to not be part of the circus they call work, and told them how grateful I am for what these months with them have meant for me mentally, emotionally, and to my marriage. It was good.

Then Monday, Chris approached me with a question: Would it be fun or too much to juggle to work for Ameriscapes 3-4 hours a week, doing the most administrative/responsible parts of the job I've been doing, and supervising a "receptionist" type person to handle the 8-5 stuff?
So we discussed it, we've made spreadsheets (naturally, since Chris's brain is a mobile Excel program!) of who'd do what, and worked it out. So now, when the switch happens in March, I'll get to do therapy about 24 hours/week, Ameriscapes 3-4 hours on Friday mornings, still have lots of time off to take care of me and my stuff at home, be at cooking class and the pool in the summer, and basically have and do everything I want! Yea!!!

Steve's really happy for me, because I was really sad to not be at Ameriscapes. He was initially worried that trying to stay even this small amount might mean I would not get the time for myself that the TherapEZE-only plan will provide. But he's for my ultimately doing whatever I think is best and is glad I get to do everything I want. He's very much looking out for my happiness and well-being in all these decisions, so I feel very supported and freed to make a decision that IS good for me and for us. So good.

So it worked out better than I believed it could have! Thanks so much for your constant support, the gift of your friendships and your always trustworthy advice.

Back in the saddle

2006-02-08T07:22:00.000-08:00

After 8 months entirely free from doing any work in speech-language pathology, I finally had unloaded my stress and upset over the past 3 years' misery. I've been working as an office manager/business manager (using these terms very loosely) for the landscaping business owned and run by two friends from church. It has been wonderful to balance checkbooks that are not my own, write payroll, answer phones, etc., not once having to break heart-wrenching news to anyone at work about their children not being the dream of perfection they'd imagined. And yet, it is undeniable, and some of you have even been astute enough to point out, "uh, aren't you paying for a graduate degree that you're not using now?!" Well, yes. But it's been a season of mental health for me, and I'm grateful for the respite.

But, when an opportunity came along, or rather, resurfaced, it was time to seize it. In Killeen, just down the road about 20 minutes, is a clinic for Speech, Occupational, and Physical therapy services. It is owned by a PT who realized she was laboring in vain in the clinics and hospitals where she worked, and she decided she and her husband could do better. So she opened this clinic. The business takes a relatively small percentage of the insurance billing all the clinicians do for overhead and buying anything we want/need, from office supplies to therapy materials and tests. And the therapists... we basically get the deal we were all promised in graduate school. ($$$ :) $$$) We work when we want, as much or as little as we want. No pressure. No dresscode. No Feds dictating to us!

So, at first, I was going to just go over after 5 and work late evenings and Saturdays, only 9 hours per week. But when a therapist announced she'd be taking a leave of absence, they offered me her whole 24 hour caseload, or as much of it as I'd take. I've worked it out with "the guys" to leave their office a couple of hours early, and I've so far agreed to be available for 12 hours of therapy, Mon.-Thurs. from 3-6. These hours make for some late nights, but not as late as I initially thought I'd be working, and much more time (to be read, "moolah").

Here's the rub: I haven't taken all pf that therapist's kids, and the other therapists can't either. The SLPs are asking me if I'm going to make more time for therapy in a month or so, because they need to make decisions about either wait-listing these kids or just putting them on hold until I come over. I'm in a real emotional dilemma now, because I love the guys I work with at my "day job" and I care about their business so much, I don't want to leave them. But when I think about what's really good for me and Steve, there's no way to deny what the clinic offers. I can be off some mornings and all day Friday and we'd still make HUGE progress on our financial goals, plus I'd have time to myself to do what's not been getting done thus far. The guys are very supportive of my doing what's best for me and for me-and-Steve. I just hate to break up with them and their business.

Advise me!!

The world beyond the couch

2006-01-31T20:20:00.000-08:00

I don't know why it's so difficult sometimes to pry myself out of my home. I am clearly a homebody in some parts of my nature, but on the other hand, I am usually so gratified and energized by what happens when I get out. Take this evening: Here in the small town that becomes more homey each passing month, it was "Ladies' Salad Supper" night. I attended last year's salad supper, and in an act of atypical committment, pledged a year in advance to be a hostess for this year's event. So (those of you who know me well, or specifically, have borne the brunt of my gift for procrastination, will not be surprised to hear that...) I forgot entirely about it until a phone call two days before brought me out of my fog.

"Mrs. McKissick, I see that you've volunteered to be a hostess! Great! I'm sure you know that you need to bring decorations for a table for eight women. Super! Thanks!"

In reality, that's like saying that, since you're competing in a Miss America pageant, you might want to prepare by powdering your nose. This thing is huge! The tables last year had themes, and were set with china belonging to grandmothers with perfect taste. Accessories were in place down to the tiny salt shakers, the coordinating stemware, tablecloths, napkins, mirrors, tea lites, and even party favors. Or, the table looked like a Card and Party Factory exploded on a small circle in streamers, confetti, etc.

Then there's me. Again, two days' notice, committments to keep me from making decent preparations the night before, and so utter panic all day today. I grabbed some stuff, tried to recreate the awesome seasoning from Carrabba's, and showed up, literally nauseated, thinking I'd have the sad table no one would want to be forced to huddle around.

And as usual, I worried unnecessarily, and it was lovely! No one looked sorrowfully at my table. Some very nice ladies sat there, and they were kind enough to omit the (true and unflattering) comparisons between my seasonings and Carrabba's. I sat at an another table because mine filled up without me, and I had a blast! I spent the evening visiting with women of every age, heard stories about their kids, their families, their careers. It's such a comforting experience to be reminded that even right here, I am not One, not a isolated twenty-something wading without much compass through the early years of work and marriage. I am part of a larger community of wisdom, experience, and warmth that is "women". I had so much fun!

So glad I got off the couch!

Thanks so much to the friends who've said "hi" and who are literally giving me gifts with their own blogs and their comments here. It means more than you know to me.

Shocking!

2006-01-27T10:26:00.000-08:00

What is this? Two posts in a year!

I had the greatest day yesterday. I spent the day with my brother and my mom for the first time since before I went to college. Michael is living in Colorado, off having his adventure, making his life what he wants it to be, the only down-side of which is that he's just out of college (a.k.a. Broke!) and didn't get to come home for the holidays this year. We missed him so much!

So he's down this week, making a tour of many parts of the family. Yesterday we had a very relaxing day, great food, lots of time to visit and watch cool stuff from the History channel. Brief naps were had by all, including Riley, the newest member of the family, my puppy.

My brother is still my favorite person. He's the coolest guy I know, he's got a good head on his shoulders, and he's such a sweet-hearted young man. I admire him so much.

Are you close with your siblings?

Only a few short months later...

2006-01-25T20:45:00.000-08:00

Seriously, I forgot how to log in it had been so long since I've posted. But I'm all invigorated at the idea now, both for happy reasons and for heartwrenching ones. Happily, some of my very favorite people from some of my very favorite years of my life are blogging madly now, so I've spent some time today reading up.

Since this particular blog is in sad shape today, I highly recommend reading what Alisa Cooper is saying. Alisa is the most adventurous woman I know, and she's off beginning quite an adventure now.

I'm also very pleased to have found Jackson and Kevin's blogs. Their comments continue to be both challenging and entertaining at the same time.

On the other end of the emotional spectrum, I feel like the need to connect with, or at least read about, friends from undergrad is overwhelming this week as I've been thinking of another ACU friend, Russell Heil, and reading the posts of lots of us who knew him then and are aching for him now in his unimaginable loss.

Does it matter that we haven't talked in years? am I the only one who thinks, "I shouldn't post anything on that blog--they probably don't remember me or give a rip what I'd say"? Writer's block anyone??

I do give a rip. And I'll try to remember how to log in.

Throw out those old crayons!

2005-05-11T13:00:00.000-07:00

The school year is ending in about two weeks, and I have to say, it couldn't happen soon enough. I really don't know how folks keep their sanity working a year-round job. I did it through the summer in Maine, and my brain did not approve. The academic world is really on to something with these extended breaks between terms!

For me, the end of the school year is a great time to start tying up the loose ends I've left hanging, weed out the majority of the stuff I thought I'd really need later (because it's later now, and I am confident that flinging it to the trash is better than looking at it any more!), and take a look back at what was done well, and what needs more attention next year. Then, best of all, there's a great big break from thinking much about it at all. It's a clear, significant break with the patterns of the past year, and all our mistakes are swept clean.

Then there's the excitement of a new year! The beginning of a new school year is a great time to put into practice all those plans I made for doing my job better just a few weeks ago. The kids are hopeful again, the hallways are shiny and clean, and there are new school supplies to cheer us all up--I feel much better when a new pen, eraser, spiral or oooh, new crayons are nearby!! "We can do better than last year! I WILL do better than I did last year!" As Marilla Cuthbert said, "Each day is fresh, with no mistakes in it," and for a while, it really feels that way.

Maybe that's what "normal job" people are trying to do with New Year's Resolutions, etc., but it seems to me that there's not enough time for winding down, evaluating, and then gathering your strength and will-power to have a really successful "Do Over". I mean, when your Christmas turkey is still digesting, you've not had much opportunity to look "back" at the event, see the error of your ways and make a new plan!

How do you guys do it? What motivates you to evaluate yourself and make improvements in your life, relationships, work, spirituality? How do you know when to do that? Anyone else impatient for summer? Is it just me that has this emotional response to school supplies??

"The way life should be"

2005-04-26T11:33:00.000-07:00

That's the state motto of the best place I've ever lived...Maine. It's a funny motto at times, since they are light-years behind even Texas in some areas (education, oral health care to name a few), but in the "lifestyle" and "climate" categories, I think they've got it just about right. The weather here's been kinda weird, as if Texas finally got the memo that spring is that part of the year that's not meant to be mind-meltingly hot and that incorporating a breeze with the sunshine helps people want to go on living. It's been shockingly pleasant for the past few days, even coolish, which is insane for this time of year, and it's allowing me to pretend I am still in Maine. I had to work there, too, and couldn't spend every moment by the "big water", so the delusion can last at least a little while.

The summer in Maine is a lot like what we've been experiencing here, except where I lived, in Belfast, ME, there's also the crashing of the waves and the sight of little boats out at the horizon. After the long winter, when spring comes and the flowers are bursting out on every side, people are outside and making friends right and left. My friend Nancie ran into a Hilfiger just down the road in Camden as he filled up with gas, then got invited to a barbeque by a fireman! And Miss Martha Stewart, Kirstie Allie and John Travolta are also apparently big fans of the Maine scene, not to mention the Wyeth family of artists and Steven King, who is famous clearly but still freaks me out. Belfast was a small town too, and downtown lots of tiny shops lined the main streets. They were a great place to start a lazy Saturday with a good breakfast, a leisurely stroll through the little gardening shop for some scented lotion or through the very "granola" market catering to the hippy crowd that lingers in Maine. Some delicious shrimp or crab melt for dinner come cheap and beautifully situated on the water. I miss the bay and the ocean so much and the cliffs and the way the Mainahs talk. The months I lived there were kind of like an alternate life, and I hope I can go back there someday to have my own little house on a cragg.

Where's the best place you've lived or visited?

A Weekend Away

2005-04-25T06:39:00.000-07:00

Steve and I are back from spending the weekend in the car, with a short break when we got out and ran around like crazy with his brother Jeff and family. We drove to Harlingen and back to see them before they go to Paraguay (for at least 2 years without a return trip) to learn the language and begin doing medical missionary work. They're planning to be there for about 10 years!

The trip this weekend was fun, though my mind kept drifting back to the Hays family--we went to (five-year-old) Ryan's soccer game where Jeff was coaching, then had lunch and took the kids to the beach at South Padre Island. It was cool there, overcast and very windy, but we got some sun and began to actually wish summer would arrive. Then we stayed up talking 'till about 2 in the morning, not knowing when or how to let that be the last moment. In the end, when we said goodbye to Jeff and Amy, it felt like every other "see you in a few months" parting, but we know that it is very different. It's kinda too much to take in. Steve's folks are making the trip next weekend, and I'm sure that will be more openly emotional. I think "awe" is still my overriding response to the undertaking, the committment, they are making. Could you do it?

Pain in the neck

2005-04-20T13:12:00.000-07:00

Literally, I have one, and it's made me want to do nothing all day. But I have done some "work", and I've also spent some time trying to figure out how to locate other blogs that are talking about something I want to hear about. For instance, was it only me who got ripped off by Law & Order last week? I set our dvr to record last week's Law & Order episode before we left town for the weekend because important stuff was gonna happen to our poor guy Jesse, and then came home after the weekend to learn that I didn't get to find out how it ends because they put the stinkin' ending on an entirely different show! It was on Trial by Jury, which I'm sorry to say, has some pretty poor acting in my opinion, and therefore wouldn't have made the dvr cut unless I'd been notified in advance that the big finish from The Original would be planted there. It's such an obvious and frustrating ploy to force people to watch the sad imitation, which could have been, should have been, really good. Does anyone even know what happened to Greene? Please, pass on the word. Make your sacrifice of watching that series have a greater purpose!